Andy Griffith – Jim Stafford's BlogOKC

Best of Barney: Quoting the greatest sitcom character in television history

Don Knotts as Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith Show

EDITOR’S NOTE: My friend Ed Godfrey has memorized more word-for-word dialogue from The Andry Griffith Show than anyone I know. He can quote Don Knotts as Barney Fife from almost any scene. And they are some of the funniest lines in television history. So, I told Ed that if he would compile a list of his favorites, I would publish it in this blog. I’m proud to offer you Ed’s 15 favorite Barney Fife quotes:

By Ed Godfrey

The best sitcom character in the history of television is Barney Fife, played by the great Don Knotts. I’m sorry, if you don’t agree, you’re wrong.

Not long ago, my good friend Jim Stafford wrote a blog post ranking his favorite Andy Griffith episodes. Pretty good list, although the Barney and the Choir episode was ranked much too low.

I mean, that scene where Andy is explaining to Barney how he has to keep singing softer and softer into a “powerful” microphone until his voice is less than a whisper rivals Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First” routine in my book.

Jim’s blog about The Andy Griffith Show has been his most viewed blog this year, so I suggested he keep it going and rank Barney’s best lines in the show. He told me I was the expert and that I should write the blog, without financial compensation, I might add.

So here are my favorite Barney Fife lines. If I missed one, well, just remember I am not getting paid for this.

Number one has to be his most famous quote which he repeated in many episodes and which I have on a T-Shirt. NIP IT IN THE BUD! He’s used it when discussing romance, crime, parenting, etc. It was his go to phrase, but my favorite is when he was lecturing Andy about raising Opie.

“I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign a youngster is going wrong you got to nip it in the bud… You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you will find everyone is in favor of bud nipping.”

Number Two: Barney lays down the law to the new prisoners at the Mayberry jail.

“Now men, there are a few things we ought to get straightened out right at the start to avoid any grief later on. Now here at The Rock, we have two basic rules. Memorize them so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is, OBEY ALL RULES. Secondly, do not write on the walls as it takes a lot of work to get writing off of walls.”

Number Three: Barney gets tangled up with a guy littering on the street and accidentally captures a fugitive. When Barney realizes what he has done, he turns into a peacock and starts strutting his stuff to the crowd who has gathered around, including his girlfriend Thelma Lou, who wants him to take the rest of the day off at Andy’s suggestion.

“I would like to, Thelma Lou, but I don’t guess I better… You just never know when another beast might come down out of the forest. You understand don’t you Thelma Lou? I really don’t expect you to. You see Thelma Lou, this is what we call the deadly game. I am in it for keeps.”

Number Four: In Barney and the Choir, Andy, Aunt Bee and Thelma Lou don’t want to hurt Barney’s feelings by kicking him out of the Mayberry choir before the concert, so they try to make him think he is sick because of the redness and lump they pretend to see in his throat. Barney immediately goes to the doctor to get checked out and returns with the good news after choir practice had ended.

“You know that lump you seen? That’s a uvula. Everybody’s got one. Did you know you had a uvula Andy? Open your mouth. Go ahead, open it. Yeah, there is a good ole’ uvula. They got a uvula. I got a uvula. All God’s children got a uvula!”

Number Five: In Opie the Birdman episode, a classic, Opie kills a mama bird with his slingshot and then starts caring for her orphaned young in a cage. Barney demonstrates how birds communicate with each other with their chirping.

“A bird that’s feeling chipper will chirp nice and chipper. Well, like, ‘Gee, I’m feeling good’… And then it works the other way around, too. When a bird’s feeling sick why he chirps, ‘Gee I’m feeling bad…Here comes a cat! Let’s fly away! OK.’

“Yep, the ways of the creatures of the wild are many and wonderful.”

Number Six: Barney sings A capella for Andy, thinking it is a song.

“A capella, a capella.”

Number Seven: Barney offers a comforting shoulder to Andy, who has been jilted by Peggy.

Barney consoles Andy with a heart-to-heart talk

“OK pal, there it is (tapping his shoulder). Cry all over it if you wanna. Get it off your chest. Talk it all out. That’s what a friend is for. It’s welling up inside of you so get it out…. I know you don’t want to but you got to. It’s therapetic.”

Number Eight. Barney offers another memorable line after unknowingly capturing a fugitive on the street.

“I might as well have me a look around town. You never know what might be coming up. You know Andy, I never thought our town would come to this. Mayberry, gateway to danger.”

Number Nine: Barney gets conned by a man pretending to be an FBI agent who is in Mayberry to give the sheriff’s office a reward for having a low crime rate. Barney explains why crime is so low in Mayberry.

“Well, I guess to sum it up you could say there is three reasons there is so little crime in Mayberry. There’s Andy, and me and baby makes three (while patting the gun in his holster.) Say, that is kind of a good phrase if you would like to write that down.”

Number Ten: In the Cyrano Andy episode, the first appearance of Betty Lynn as Thelma Lou in the series, Barney likes Thelma Lou but is too shy to tell her, so Andy calls on her on behalf of Barney. Thelma Lou makes Barney jealous by telling him Andy is interested in her, so Barney tries to even the score by paying a romantic visit to Elly Walker, Andy’s girlfriend. Barney, of course, gets rejected by Elly.

“I feel sorry for you, baby. You – you had your chance to fly with me but you wasn’t woman enough. Now the balloon’s gone up withoutcha.”

Number 11: In The Pickle Story, Andy and Barney swap out Aunt Bee’s homemade pickles for good store pickles, and Barney is dismayed when Andy suggests they are going to have to get rid of the store pickles and replace the jars with more homemade ones.

“You can’t be serious? You actually want her to make another batch of them kerosene cucumbers?”

Number 12: In Barney and the Choir, Barney drops a not-so-subtle hint to the Mayberry choir director about who could replace the first tenor who had to drop out (clip taken from same episode, but doesn’t include the quote).

“As my old voice teacher used to say, a choir without its tenor is like a start without its glimmer. You know who used to say that? My old voice teacher. That’s the teacher I had when I studied voice.”

Number Thirteen: In the episode Man in a Hurry, an out-of-town businessman whose car breaks down on a Sunday in Mayberry learns how slow life can be in the small town. He paces nervously back and forth on Andy’s front porch waiting for his car to be fixed while Barney contemplates how he will spend the rest of his afternoon.

“You know what I think I’m going to do? I’m going to go home and have me a little nap, then go over to Thelma Lou’s and watch a little TV. Yeah, I believe that’s what I’ll do. Go home. Have a nap. Then over to Thelma Lou’s for TV. Yep, that’s the plan. Right home. Take a nap.”

The impatient out-of-towner then yells at Barney, “For the love of Mike, just do it, do it! Go take a nap. Go to Thelma Lou’s for TV. Just do it:

Barney replies, “What’s the hurry?”

Number Fourteen: In the episode Barney’s Sidebar, Barney buys an old motorcycle with sidecar at an auction and sets up Checkpoint Chickie on the highway to catch speeders. His first traffic stop is a trucker who points out there has always been an understanding with law enforcement that they could go five miles over the speed limit to get over Turner’s Grade.

“Well, I tell you Eddie, I let you do 40 today, you will do 45 tomorrow. I let you do 45 tomorrow you do 50 the day after that. You do 50 the day after that, you’ll do 55 the day after that.”

Number Fifteen: Barbara Eden of I Dream of Jeannie fame guest stars as a manicurist and sets up in Floyd’s Barber Shop. She finally gets Barney to sit for a manicure, but Barney has one condition.

“Be extra careful with that one. That’s my trigger finger. You damage that and I might as well quit the business.”

SPONSORED CONTENT: Ed Godfrey gave this book, “Andy & Don,” to me as a birthday gift a couple years ago. I started reading and could not put it down. It’s that good, mainly because it reveals some behind the camera info on both Andy Griffith and Don Knotts, as well as other stars of Andy Griffith Show. For instance, Andy was quite the lady’s man, while Frances Bavier was not a fan of her role as Aunt Bee, nor of the show in general. Check it out on Amazon: https://amzn.to/4mb7RbA

The best of the best: Top 10 episodes of the Andy Griffith Show

Andy Griffith and Don Knotts from an episode of The Andy Griffith Show

If I look at my friend Ed and say “how do you do Mrs. Wiley?” he will know exactly what I am saying. In fact, he might reply with something like “I would recognize that accent anywhere. It’s definitely Back Bay Boston.”

Ed and I are true geezers, which means each of us has crossed over the retirement bridge and can indulge in pasttimes as we choose.

And one of those is watching the Andy Griffith Show, which means we rewatch episodes from 60-plus years ago that are so familiar that we can easily quote favorite lines. In fact, we toss lines back and forth from episodes that we haven’t actually seen in years.

If all you know of great comedy shows in history are The Office or Seinfeld, let me tell you about the Andy Griffith Show. It debuted in 1960 and carved a huge niche in popular culture across its eight seasons on CBS. The first five seasons were broadcast in black and white and include all my favorite episodes.

Here’s a quick synopsis of the show. Andy Taylor was a widowed father of a young boy, as well as the sheriff of Mayberry, a small town in rural North Carolina. He was surrounded by a community of zany, eccentric characters, not the least of which was Deputy Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts.

Barney created a lot of havoc and most of the memorable moments from the Andy Griffith Show. If you know, you know.

After Ed and I swapped some favorite lines a few weeks ago, I began to wonder what did I consider my favorite episodes of the show. So, I sat down, drew up this list and found clips from each on Youtube.

Told you I was retired.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to share with you my favorite 10 episodes, or in some cases, specific scenes from the Andy Griffith Show. There are scores of other episodes that would qualify for this list, but these are my personal favs. I previously wrote about an episode of the show that isn’t included in this list. You might have a different take.

Click on the short clips below, and enjoy.

CITIZEN’S ARREST

I went back and forth with this, but Citizen’s Arrest ranks No. 1 in my book. Gomer, played so well by Jim Nabors, calls out Barney in downtown Mayberry for making an illegal U-turn in the cop car.

Key line:
“You hear that folks? There are two sets of laws; one for the police, and one for the ordinary citizens.”

CHECKPOINT CHICKIE

This episode might be considered 1A for me. Barney somehow gets ahold of a vintage WWII era motorcycle and turns into the cop we all hate to run into when we’re driving through small town America.

Key line: “I let you do 40 today, you’ll do 45 tomorrow; I let you do 45 tomorrow, you’ll do 50 the day after that; I let you do 50 the day after that you’ll do 55 the day after that …”

PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

This is a special bonus clip because it’s actually just the conclusion of an episode in 1963, but one of the most memorable scenes from the entire run of the show. Deputy Fife ‘perfectly’ recalls the preamble to Andy.

Key line: “There are things in that book that I still remember to this day. Once you learn something it never leaves you. It’s amazing how that stuff stays with you.”

HOW DO YOU DO MRS. WILEY?

This is such a great episode. Andy tries to knock some rough edges off of mountain man Ernest T. Bass so he can mix with high society at a Mayberry social event. If it could go wrong, it did go wrong.

Key line: “I recognize that accent. Definitely Back Bay Boston.”

ESCAPED CONVICTS CAPTURE FLOYD AND BARNEY

A trio of female escaped convicts happen upon Floyd and Barney in the hills outside of town and take them hostage in a cabin. Then the fun begins, until Barney tangos one of the convicts into the waiting handcuffs of Sheriff Taylor.

Key line: “Let’s you and me dance. You kidding? No, I’m not. What made you change your mind? You’re beginning to get to me.”

NIP IT IN THE BUD

Andy deputizes a trio of townfolk to help with security at a big Mayberry event that evening. Barney then proceeds to bark orders at the men as if he’s a drill sergeant shaping up raw recruits.

Key line: “The minute it looks like there’s going to be trouble, we’ve got to nip it! Nip it in the bud!”

BARNEY AND THE CHOIR

Barney joins the community choir as it’s rehearsing for a big performance and sings way off key. His singing is so bad, the choir director wants to kick him out of the choir until Andy devises an incredibly funny solution.

Key line: “Oh, it’s no use, Andy. Can you tell a bird to just go chirp, chirp, chirp? No, Andy, I’m like a bird! I was born to sing!”

AUNT BEE’S KEROSENE PICKLES

Aunt Bee makes up a batch of pickles that taste like kerosene, but Andy and Barney pretend to like them because they won’t want to hurt her feelings. They sub her pickles out with store bought pickles on the sly. Then she decides to enter them in the County Fair pickle contest.

Key line: “I don’t know how I can face the future when I know there’s eight quarts of these pickles in it!”

MAN IN A HURRY

A big city businessman’s car breaks down in Mayberry, and he’s frustrated by the slow pace of the townspeople as he impatiently waits for the car to be repaired.

Key line: “For the love of Mike, do it! Do it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou’s and watch TV.”

THE FUN GIRLS

I could not make this list without including the Fun Girls. They appeared in two episodes and brought chaos and levity to Mayberry — and blew up Andy and Barney’s relationships with their girlfriends, Helen and Thelma Lou.

Key lines: “Hello, Doll. Oh, Bernie!”

So, if you are a fan of the Andy Griffith Show like me and Ed, feel free to share your favorite episode or moment from the show in the comments to this post.

SPONSORED CONTENT: My friend Ed Godfrey gave this book, “Andy & Don,” to me as a birthday gift a couple years ago. I started reading and could not put it down. It’s that good, mainly because it reveals some behind the camera info on both Andy Griffith and Don Knotts, as well as other stars of Andy Griffith Show. For instance, Andy was quite the lady’s man, while Frances Bavier was not a fan of her role as Aunt Bee, nor of the show in general. Check it out on Amazon: https://amzn.to/4mb7RbA

The magic words and Sam the Chihuahua

Sam the Chihuahua is always listening for the magic words.

As my wife and I sat in the living room this afternoon, I casually mentioned to her that I’m thinking about taking our 10-year-old Chihuahua, Sam, out for a walk.

Immediately, Sam shot off the couch, where he had been sleeping, and raced to the front door.

“Whoa!,” I said to Paula. “It’s like he’s monitoring our conversation and waiting for certain code words.”

Sam’s reaction is like that of the Echo Dot we have in our bedroom that might not react to anything for months, but responds the instant you say” ‘Alexa, what’s the temperature outside.’ “

Meanwhile, Sam impatiently snorted and pawed the door as we continued to talk. Of course, I then had to find my shoes and the leash and a ‘doggie bag,’ to clean up after the dog.

By the time I collected everything, Sam was running in a circle and barking in the foyer.

All of which reminded me of an episode of the old Andy Griffith show where a visitor to Mayberry is impatiently pacing on Andy’s front porch as Barney and Andy are spending a lazy afternoon.

Barney says he’s going to go home, take a nap, then over to Thelma Lou’s to watch a bit of television.

But he never moves. Instead, he repeats his intentions about three times before the visitor has had enough and yells at him to ‘just do it!’ You can watch the hilarious scene from ‘Man in a Hurry’ below:

Finally, I found my shoes, the doggie bag and the leash, which I managed to clip on to the restless Chihuahua.

Out the door we went.

The episode has repeated itself in our home countless times over the years. It shows there’s more to this 9-pound canine than meets the eye.

He’s always listening for the magic words. Careful what you say.